Best Friend Needed

I am tired of guys. Guys from a distance, that's fine, (Yes, man walking his dog outside Neiman's, I'm referring to you.) but guys up close and personal? The kind you've gotta talk to? That's rough.

Exhibit A: Shopping today with a friend--got a fantastic "Magic Mouse" but also found out my iPod is just barely past it's warranty and has a fatal hard drive error--I walked past one of my Exes. (I tend to call them Awxes.) He said nothing, I said nothing, and I walked on by. At first, I was amused. This had been a guy who'd begged for a few more dates after I lost interest. Literally harassed me for an Italian dinner, and I of course said no. And no, and no and no. But something didn't feel right, walking by without saying hello. So I did what felt natural.

I texted him, "LOL!"

And, being just as smart a communicator as I, he quickly responded, "eww lol." I, for one, find it even more directionless than my lonely acronym, which at least had a sense of humor. The addition of "eww" has completely mangled whatever meaning the LOL would have otherwise had. But that is beside the point.

Exhibit B: Old guy. Back in the picture. Still kind of charming, but I accidentally dissed some of his creative work (it was bad. Real bad) and thought I'd be spared his further interest, thereby letting me off the romantic hook without having an actual discussion. But no. He tells me "Good seeing you" via (SURPRISE!) text, and I respond in kind. And he finishes it with, "Let's hangout soon". No period. And no, period.

And people ask me why I don't have gay friends. Here's (/are) the only requirement (/s) for Dustin C. O'Neal:

When we sit down for dinner and talk, do you turn me on? If you had a bag over your head, would I still want to sleep with you? When I text you LOL, do you smile and respond in a way I understand? Can we, ya know...and then play eight nonstop hours of Super Smash Brothers? And, on a separate but entirely relevant note, are you less than double my age? If so, call me. Call Me 4 Dat Good.