Tiny White Shorts

A lot has happened in the past two weeks. Namely, a trip to Miami.

Miami is a great city. I've been twice before, but I'll always remember this time: wandering down South Beach with over a million other humans from around the world, waiting for the close of a decade. And being on the East Coast, we were also the first part of the country to stumble into 2010, and I didn't use the word "stumble" just because it sounds cute.

New Years Eve was a mess. I won't go into long detail (storytelling of this magnitude can be a laborious process, especially when combined with weak attempts at redeeming my popular respect mid-paragraph with exclamations like, "But I wasn't THAT drunk! Hahahaha LOL!"), but at 4:30 a.m. I was wandering the streets of South Beach barefoot and likely beyond recognition, prompting at least one onlooker to mouth her astute observation of my evening. "There's someone tragic on every corner!"

I try not to linger on those moments--the first moments of 2010. A total mess. But I was having a great time, and except for the mild alcohol poisoning, totally healthy and happy!

But aside from Miami and the drama that, none of us can truly deny, made the trip much more fun, I had an amazing week back home and with my best friends who came to visit. I've had a great week since. Saw Avatar in 3-D, and I'm dying to see it again.

Oh, and if this particular post hasn't made me look shallower than a toilet bowl, I have also started Twilight. As in, started reading the first novel when I returned from Miami and am already on the third. That's nearly 1,500 pages of romantic goop, packed with metaphors that will you give you stomach aches and sentences so badly written you may be tempted to suck your own blood and die than continue the mental humiliation.

A few of my favorites, italics and grammar Meyer's:

"I felt well. Whole."

[Bella, spoken to her father] "I...am a...virgin!"

"I love you."

Meyer's a Mormon. I disagree with the Mormon faith wholeheartedly, and her agenda (no cursing, no sex, no pesky colored folk) is painfully transparent. Of course, if Bella wants to commit suicide because she can't live without her twu wove, it's like, SO totally okay for Bella to jump off a cliff and die for him. Like, right?! College is for women who HAVEN'T found the everlasting love of an immortal vampire who suffocates all ambition from anyone he meets. So are friends who have opinions. And if, one day, you have to give up everyone who loves you in your entire life to become a vampire and live out eternity with your lover, that's fine, too. Because Mom, Dad, your friends, extended family and future are worth nothing compared to a permanent seventeen year-old with a control complex who already dumped you once and, when threatened by you visiting an old friend, disabled your vehicle. Because that's healthy, Meyer.

And there's obviously the whole Edward (Vampire) versus Jacob (werewolf) argument. Which is a total joke, because anyone with an ounce of self-respect (and therefore not a reader of Twilight) would choose Team Jacob. Would you rather cuddle up to someone with "skin like cold marble" or "hovering around 103 degrees?" Of course, that doesn't really matter, because you...are a...virgin!


inkywasfat said...

Don't be hatin' on my Twilight.

inkywasfat said...

You said, "YOU read TWILIGHT?!? I've been covering the books with borrowed covers...The Post Birthday World, a Thai Cottage takeout menu I found in my glove compartment (couldn't be caught at a public park with "Eclipse" in my hands). I'm...disappointed. I expected more from you, Stacey.

But I do have to ask: You on Jacobs team or Edwards?"

I say, "I had to read them. At ACA I kept hearing from all the little girls about this Twilight thing and how awesome it was, and then I was hearing it everywhere and I knew I had to enter that world so I could speak intelligently to 13 year olds. That's my excuse anyways.

So, yes, the dialogue and such can grate on your nerves, but after a while I just went with it because if you can get past the REDUNDANCY of most of the words, the story is fun.

New Moon is all about the reader getting to love Jacob, but come on, Edward is the ONE!