I Pity The Haters

The most intense and divisive conversations I have with people nearly always begin with, "I have a song I want to play you."

Pop music is a litmus test in the process of young adult coolness authenticity: "You listen to Bon Iver?" [You're cool.] "You listen to Kylie Minogue?" [You're lame, unintelligent, out-of-the-loop, immature, self in-actualized.]

Essentially, pop music can be enjoyed by girls aged in single digits, so if you listen to pop music you have the taste of a nine year-old. Of course, there are exceptions. Lady Gaga, for instance, has been scratched off the Guilty Pleasure list by Rolling Stone and Pitchfork, the birthplaces of indie cred and tectonic divergence zones for what is and is not acceptable to have on your iPod. Other exceptions involve music sites like Hype.fm and Pandora. ("If Taylor Swift plays in my Pheonix channel, I can't help that. I only have so many songs I can skip per hour!")

You can also be so out you're in, like Fergie. I'm not sure how that works, but everyone loves Fergie. I know cokeheads and band agents and American Apparel employees alike who will lose their shit when "Glamorous" comes on. "This is my jam!"

The irony is that many artists with a massive "underground" (i.e. depressed hipster) following like Uffie have pop sensibilities stronger than major aboveground musicians. "DVNO" by Justice is more radio-friendly than anything Gwen Stefani ever released, and she has multiple #1's and a legion of teenage fans.

Acceptable music acts like The Gossip, Tokyo Police Club, and Surfer Blood are the aural equivalent of nails being repeatedly driven into my skull. If I was a cave man, I'd love the grating chorus line of "Keep The Car Running" by Arcade Fire, but I heard Britney Spears' "Crazy" as a preteen inside a Chuck E. Cheese and know that pop music can change your life.

Pop music doesn't alter your life in the same way Fiona Apple does, however. Pop music is so frothy you don't even need to filter the lyrics. With our intellectual webs disabled, pop music hits directly at our pleasure (or pain) centers. The sensation can be so real even the most jaded of hipsters will, I guarantee you, dance when "Rude Boy" plays. They will belt out Mariah's "We Belong Together" in private. They will play Katy Perry's newest single, "Teenage Dream," and tear up in their rooms reflecting on high school memories.

"Teenage Dream" is a perfect example of Pop That Changes Your Life: "You say I'm pretty without any makeup on/...let's go all the way tonight." Damn. Have we not all lived through this? Why cast hate on a story told through this medium? As if hipsters speak more eloquently than most pop music is sung. "You make me/ feel like I'm living a/ teenage dream." There's no pretense. Come as you are, listeners, because we've all been teenagers and you don't need a degree from Columbia and a longtime pretend relationship with "a fashion designer from Brooklyn" to appreciate the first time you woke up and realized you were a little less innocent than you were the day before.

I pity anyone who can't appreciate the sugar rush of Kylie Minogue's "Get Out of My Way" or the electric bounce of Leighton Meester's "Your Love's A Drug." A good pop song, on first listen, can be better than sex. Just as pop can give life, however, pop also taketh away; I remember listening to Usher's "Love In This Club" (a painfully mediocre pop song, really) in the car for the first time and nearly getting into a wreck due to my temporary ecstasy.

We cheat pop music out of whatever potential it has to effect people when we label it the way we do; "deep art" can often be even more transparent than pop, which has a sense of irony and is rarely serious. There's more humor in Perry's "California Gurls" than in any song The Heartless Bastards ever conceived, more tangible emotion in Robyn's "Should Have Known" than any sculpture in the MoMA. (This may or may not be an exaggeration.)

I can't convince anyone to like pop music. You understand the appeal or you don't. However, like someone born with a poor sense of smell can never understand the appeal of French food, I can only try my best not to rub it in.

New Music: Remix Update

Club music right now...not so hot. DJs, however, seem to be having a lot of fun remixing pop classics.

Remix #1: Katy Perry's "Hot N Cold" by Yelle. Stripping away the addictive chorus, Yelle's replaced the bubblegum for a little alternative Big League chew: "You're hot, hot, hot/Then you're cold, cold, cold/You tease me, tease me, tease me/Sayin' you'll call, call, call." It's not an improvement, necessarily, but the remix brings something fresh (and yes, French) to the pop feast offered by Perry's original. It's like bourbon in a Jell-O cake.

Remix #2: Madonna's "Miles Away" by Johnny Vicious. In contrast to Oakenfold's superior remix of "Give It 2 Me" earlier this year, Vicious has downplayed the vulnerable elements of "Miles Away" in favor of earthy beats and tropical sound effects. In a smart editing move, Vicious didn't remove any of the guitar strumming of the original. So, in a nutshell, Vicious implemented a few light tweaks in the bodice of the original, leaving a slightly more robotic (but nontheless more danceable) version of Madonna's failed second Hard Candy single.

Remix #3: Justin Timberlake's "LoveStoned/I Think She Knows" by Justice. The brizilliant French duo, seemingly unable to craft anything sub-par, took Justin's original--by far the most offbeat of Futuresex/Lovesounds' singles--and transformed the lazy inbetween-chorus valleys with vibrant string sections and a stunning musical breakdown as the finale. (Did that make any sense?) However, Justice outdid themselves with vintage Britney...

Remix #4: Britney Spears' "Me Against the Music" by Justice. Remixes as surprising and revolutionary (in accordance to the original) as Justice's take on "Music" are rare. With anthemic, urgent horn-like synths and breathing-in-reverse effects at every chorus, this is a redeaux only the French could put out. (Teehee!) Britney actually sounds better with a rougher production, with Madonna's section sounding right at home, and it leaves me wondering if hiring Justice as either of their primary producers for their next albums would be a forward-thinking move. For Madonna, a sound like Justice's seems like a natural next step in her evolution into post-apocalyptic football player, but with Britney this should probably stay a one-time deal. It's the best remix of the four, but Britney is sexy; Justice is sexy. Together, they're almost cliche.

Music: Beyonce, Cassius and Madonna's sampling minions

The music market is great right now. Musical variety is here, the big names in L.A. are all releasing records this fall, and the club scene is finally warming up. (Ironically enough, as the actual clubs start losing their drunken patronage.) Beyonce's "If I Were A Boy" is decent enough emopop, but I doubt the release will be followed with serious airplay. It's too similar to what Rihanna has done with "Take A Bow," which was in turn a total ripoff of B's own "Irreplaceable." Then again, maybe the departure from traditional Beyonce R&B/Pop--you know, spasmic, over-the-top faux-female empowerment anthems with blaring horns and whistles--is just what she needs. Another problem going for her is a lack of media exposure; it's not that the paparazzi doesn't want her picture (she's looking great in a bikini again), it's that she and Jay-Z avoid them like the plague. Good for their sanity, but not for B's career. There's a price to pay for no longer being a prominent figure in pop culture. Britney Spears just demonstrated how buzz can lead to success with the so-so "Womanizer" which currently sits at the top spot of the Billboard Hot 100. The only way B can come back in full force is with another "Crazy In Love," not likely considering her first two singles.

In other music news, when I started creating my pre-Madonna "Sticky and Sweet Tour" playlist this morning I was led on an iTunes jungle discovery bonanza, where one song led to another and another and another. "Toop Toop" by Cassius is a fun, grungy electronic track similar in spirit to Kylie Minogue's "2 Hearts" (the best track off last years' X), with pegged-on, blippy effects that feel slapped together. The track has a garageband feel to it, which is simply a statement of opinion--not neccesarily good or bad.

I was also turned on to Fedde Le Grand, an electronic artist who apparently missed his bubble of opportunity a long time ago. I only say this because his latest single was in September of 2007, and in DJ circles you have to come hard and fast to maintain the momentum of one good single. (Justice and Simian Mobile Disco are exceptions to this rule, as their talent far surpasses anything put out by your night-to-night DJs.) Regardless, Le Grand did have two good singles, but his only lasting relevance is Madonna's current tour, where she actually covers his breakout track, "Put Your Hands Up 4 Detroit." The song is a blast, with unpredictable synths and Moby-esque vocal samples. The electronic elements are handled in a innovative way that hints at the curiosity of the DJ, with ups and downs and a fun little series of saxophone samples that are instantly recognizable (despite my never hearing them before). Le Grand copies his own brilliance--take that last word with a whole spoonfull of salt--in his follow-up, "Let Me Think About It." Once again channeling Moby, Le Grand tries his hand at funk-electro, to mixed results. Imagine the seuxality of SMD's "Hustler" mixed in with "Put Your Hands Up." It's great for the two minutes it plays, but beyond that I'll stick with the electronica champs, thank you.

Music: Pussycat Dolls, Jenny Lewis, Justice, MGMT, The Hives, and Natasha Bedingfield

My iPod is running a triathlon of musical genres as the moment. One moment I'm listening to Justice's brilliant DVNO (I'm late to the party, I know), then MGMT's "Kids," and next it's the Pussycat Dolls craptastically listenable "Bottle Pop."

Or is my iPod just a--hold on, this is seriously bringing the lols right now. There's an effeminate jock sitting near me on the couch listening to Avril Lavigne's "Fall To Pieces." He's eating Quiznos and his iPod is waaaay to loud. But I mean...does he really want the world to know his iPod playlist??

The Pussycat Dolls. Off their new uber-engineered pop manifesto, Doll Domination, two songs stand out as fantastic radio singles. "Bottle Pop," featuring a rap by Snoop Dog that is undoubtedly the highlight of the track, is a fun, accesible club song with dirty dancing the obviou provocation. The chorus is fine ("Bottle Pop" is sexual enough without explanation), but the writers have tried to add meaning to the lyrics--something about skinny models and the Dolls, who have "asses in the back." Because models have asses in the front. The other track, "Who's Gonna Love You," is so sugary I'm sure I'm gaining weight just by listening to it. Irreverently bouncy--almost rapturous--the chorus explodes in candy fireworks, complete with dancing babies in makeup and cats with glittering whiskers. It's messy, though, as if the producers took every saccharine Garageband sample and slapped them together in hopes of redeeming, well, every other dirrrty track.

Okay, the jock just played "Fall To Pieces" again. Srsly?

Jenny Lewis. Lewis has an almost God-like following, and it's strange considering how little she caters to the whims of fans. (I suppose that's a strength. I know emos that would sacrifice themselves for Fiona Apple) "Black Sand" is an interesting mix of melancholy and cheerful, similar to Rilo Kiley's latest effort, with "Carpetbaggers" a country track that's probably too country for country radio. Acid Tongue's title track is predictably beautiful, and much better than anything Lewis wrote for Rabbit Fur Coat. Lewis' gentle falsetto peaks as she croons, "I'm a liar!" over soft guitar strumming and an odd-sounding chorus of anonymous male voices. If this sounds familiar, it's because the title track of More Adventurous is nearly identical.

MGMT...is phenomenal. So many bands try to capture the simple emotions that come so easily to MGMT: fragility ("Kids"), sensuality ("Electric Feel"), authenticity and that only-in-music paradox of complex simplicity. The message behind "Time to Pretend" takes twenty-six seconds to communicate. Independence is a feeling, not a tangible state of being. MGMT understands this, and no where is that more artistically delivered than on the excellent latter track.

Jem. What happened to you? The reggae-electronica-sex soundtrack songstress of 2004 has clearly left the building, leaving a derivitave diva with a serious lack of direction in her place. The genius of Finally Woken's sexual-without-slutty "Save Me," sexual and slutty "Come On Closer," and apocolyptic "24" is certainly not to be found on the ironically titled Down To Earth. The only track coming close to gre--decency is "Crazy," which is still a bit too Sheryl Crow circa 2003 to really stand out. If you're going to create a pop record, at least do it right; when an artist like Jem changes her iTunes genre listing from "electronica" to "pop," she better be sure she'll get a radio single. Unless "Amazing," which is actually kind of okay, starts getting some spins from the men upstairs (a.k.a. New York and Chicago DJs), I'm afraid this album is a lost cause. She shore is purty, though.

Natasha Bedingfield. Thank freaking goodness. I'm not a particular fan of Bedingfield's work, but I adored Unwritten's best track "Single" for its scrumptious bass line and empowering chorus. "Angel," off Pocketful of Sunshine, while definitely not falling into the category of "empowering," is the single "Single" never was. The addictive post chorus chant, a Fergie-inspired spelling of "A-N-G-E-L," will never leave your mind once it's hip-hop tentacles have popped and locked their way inside. The single answers two questions left open by Unwritten: Bedingfield can most certainly do hip-hop, and no, she's not the feminist everyone thought she was. Your life is, sadly, all about pleasing men. Deal with it.


...and the jock has fallen asleep.